I’m being remembered of you for the past 2 days.

People at the bbq still thought that I am attached. It kinda killed me when I have to act nonchalant abt it. A friend thought that I have broken up with you as he asked those on the floor that “but her msn seems so ___”..haha .. I could only smile my way through. Only Audrey knew what happen.. she knew that I lied.. she knew that I’m not feeling terrible inside me.

And yesterday, my sis asked if you’re very busy these days.. i nodded aggressively. She was shocked to why my reaction was so great. I don’t know.. because I don’t want more people esp my family to know abt our situation.

I feel real terrible over the weekends.

Thought through if my love will be worthy of u..the answer in me is no. Maybe you don’t even feel a thing now.. time fades away everything. That includes love for someone.. this is something I have been worrying.. no matter then or now .. and tt’s why I have been “bugging” cause I don’t want to lose. I know u will point it back at me again, but look at the situation, you have no rights to.

Everytime you said how tired or how stressed you are I will feel inferior, or rather I will feel how stupid I am to bug you on r/s issues. I hate that mixture of feelings that I miss you real much n hope u’ll notice me while for the next moment I feel I’m dumb enough to bug u for that.

I have no idea what to write. I'm holding 2 dairies now. 1 is here and the other is the bring-along i had.

Looking at how happy and contented a friend is with her bf.. having to spend off days tgt and all.. I'm so envy.. they love with looking into the future tgt. WE love too, but he look into the future himself without me while i'm desperately wanting him to look into the future with me. We're not here and we're not there. And it feels real terrible like you're crumbling down to ash each day. WHEN CAN I HAVE THE SWT LITTLE YOU LIKE THEN BACK?

And i happen to click on NTU's chinese orchestra. It brings back much memories of my days in my sec sch's cca. Those practices and performances.. everyone working for that ultimate goal tgt. The music that dwells through everyone's ear and inspiring the many who appreciate music. Though we're not fantastic, or rather good but i hope then that they could see our hardwork and our common goal in mind. I miss days like those whereby i love what i'm doing and what i involve in. If i'm not the CO chairman i would have a wonderful memory in the orchestra (=

I wont get to involve in such activities again cuz i'm studying in a private institute. Looking at how a campus life is makes me soooo very regretful of not studying. SERIOUSLY. No more clubs, no more electives to choose from. This is what i should be having and going through now. Not working here and fret that i will not be able to cope with work and studies. Yes, SHOULD, or mayb not. That's my life, the life i've pathed.. i regretted =(

Live on girl..

i'm out of love. how come things will become like this? what should i do next? i need someone.. i need him. doing anymore things will make me feel unworth. I DESPERATELY WANTED HIM TO DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY  but i think it is WAYYY IMPOSSIBLE. do i really understand him or do i dont? but 1 thing is, he doesn't understand me. does he really love me or does he not? how about the promises? and fuck, i kept linking everything back to promises.. i hate it!

he said that out love was swt.. after thinking, it isn't to me. but i know if i were to say that, it will be another reason for him to substantiate that we are not meant to be. I dont yearn for him to earn bucks but he is very concern about it. I dont yearn for him to stick with me everyday and everytime .. i just need him to have me 1st in place in his heart, with tt, everything will be nicely set in place.

my stomach is so warm when i think abt US. It seems hopeless after so many things had happen. do i really need him? no?! but why do i have this fucking terrible feeling? is it cuz wo bu gan xin? bu gan xin that my love is such a failure? bu gan xin that a guy who claims i'm his only girl would let me suffer and contribute alone? I DONT KNOW. (mayb i dont know what this whole thing is.. it is messing up my life) I know he has his thinking-alone .. i know i'm a hindrance but why do i still not want to let go?

=(

anyway, today is our 17th monthsary. i doubt he'll remember and he'll do anything. it's a flop. but i do love u..

Mood is not any better today. Just why is that pinch still in my heart. That worry is still in my heart. That insecurity is still in my heart. His words yesterday sounded wrong and make me pondering even more. Or rather, it is just the answer i have been expecting from him that he will do something wrong. My worry is always there and now it has sort of 'come true' from his words. Not assuring, not secured, should i just give up or should i hold on just yet?

Why just dont he understand? Understand how i will feel? that ppl will just fall for him by looking at him.. more over is chatting, working, chilling and playing. Does he really like the feeling of people falling for him? Will he have the same worry if i did the same things like him? I need answers! i DESPERATELY need answers.. but i know i will never get the answer i want.

For you, i held on tight.
For you, from now on, i will release everything.

am working now and i have no idea when will be the next busy time of the month. i have this feeling it will be soon. Having this in-out feeling whereby i have no idea if i will be able to cope with studies and work at the same time. Now is already killing me, even when i have to wake up at 7.45am, what if next time i have to wake up at 7am? What will i become? a walking zoombie. I really am holding my brake of finding a real full time job. But i dont wan to be a useless upon getting my degree. I want my goal and aim to be fulfilled. Will i have the luck to get into a GOOD company whereby they will understand my needs with friendly co-workers? Mayb i'm thinking too much about the future but tt is wad worrying me now.. =(

I'm creating another blog again! OMG! this time i'm really gonna mke it private! No one is to know abt it! Rants rants and more rants!

Oh man, i dont know what had happen to this friend of mine. It started tt i am blurr and start to ask questions that are obvious to her .. i sense her impatientness already. Then came lunch, she was talking about her newly bought press-powder whereby i gave her this question-marked expression and she said i bu shuang. Yes, she's right to point that out and indeed i dont know what expression i should show her then so i sorta given her this fuyan kinda smile. But hey! what kinda expression do you wan me to show? Alright mayb it's my reply that piss her again. I have been thinking, i should have an open heart to accept whatever people say! They are true people who make me a better person, i should be glad. Thinking this along the way back make myself feels better, and i accept the comment =) Thank you=)

But next, the thing that puzzled me most n kept my heart heavy is that why, just why is she reacting the way? Like hey! u're the one pointing out my fault and i should be the one feeling bad. Why are you reacting tt way?  Cuz of my reply? If i were her, i would feel that i am right and not feel a bit of saying she's bad. Sometimes, things just aint simple.